A calmer way to move forward when your marriage ends.
Divorce has a lot of moving parts
Divorce isn’t easy — but it doesn’t always have to mean a full-blown courtroom battle.
Here in Hawai‘i, many couples are choosing a more peaceful way to end their marriage: divorce mediation.
If you’re wondering what that means (and whether it’s right for you), this post helps break it all down.
So, What Is Divorce Mediation?
Divorce mediation is a process where you and your spouse work with a neutral third party (the mediator) to reach agreements on the issues in your divorce — without having the judge decide for you.
Instead of battling it out in court, you talk things through with professional help, and try to find common ground.
Mediation is voluntary, confidential, and often a lot less stressful (and less expensive) than traditional litigation.
How Does Mediation Work in Hawai‘i?
The process is fairly straightforward:
- You and your spouse choose a mediator, possibly in consultation with your lawyers
(Or in some cases, the court may refer you to one) - You meet with the mediator together or separately
It is more common to meet separately, but sometimes mediators may have all the parties together for an initial discussion. Sessions can be in person or remote, and sometimes the mediator will shuttle between rooms (called “caucusing”) if things are tense. - You talk through the issues, like:
- How to divide your property and debts
- Whether spousal support (alimony) is appropriate
- How you’ll share custody of your children
- What your parenting plan will look like
- If you reach agreement, the mediator and/or your lawyers help put everything into writing.
- Your agreement becomes part of your final divorce decree
Once approved by the court, it’s legally binding — just like any other court order.
Do You Have Lawyers in Mediation?
Frequently, but not always – in complicated and/or emotional cases, each party usually has their own attorney to help them in the mediation process. This is in part because the mediator is a neutral, and doesn’t favor one side over the other. A lawyer for one of the parties however, working to protect that party’s best interests. A party in mediation can look to their own attorney for counsel and advice about what is best for them, help gathering information, strategizing, and setting objectives.
Is Mediation Required in Hawai‘i?
In some cases, yes — especially in custody and visitation matters.
Hawai‘i Family Court often requires parents to try mediation first before the judge steps in. The goal is to help families make decisions that are in the best interest of the kids, without turning everything into a legal tug-of-war.
Why Choose Mediation Instead of Going to Court?
There are lots of reasons couples choose mediation in Hawai‘i — even if they don’t exactly see eye to eye:
- ✅ It’s private – No public court hearings, no drama.
- ✅ It’s usually faster and cheaper – Less paperwork, fewer court dates, lower attorney fees.
- ✅ You stay in control – You and your spouse make the decisions, not a judge who just met you.
- ✅ It’s better for your children – Less conflict = less stress for everyone, especially keiki.
- ✅ It encourages cooperation – You’re setting the stage for how you’ll communicate after the divorce, especially if you’re co-parenting.
Is Mediation Not a Good Fit in Some Cases?
Yes. Mediation might not be the right choice if:
- There’s been domestic violence or abuse
- One person is hiding money or being dishonest – there may need to be discovery – the formal process of requesting documents and information
- One spouse tries to control or intimidate the other
- You’ve already tried and failed to reach an agreement – although a good mediator might find a better angle
In these cases, court involvement may be necessary to protect your rights and your safety.
How Do I Find a Mediator in Hawai‘i?
There are a few ways:
- Private mediation – Many experienced family law attorneys offer mediation services.
- Court-connected programs – Like the Mediation Center of the Pacific, a non-profit organization which handles many family cases and is often referred by judges.
How Can a Lawyer Help During Mediation?
A good divorce attorney can help you:
- Understand your rights before you enter mediation
- Prepare for sessions so you know what to ask for (and what to watch out for)
- Review or draft the final agreement before you sign
- Make sure nothing gets left out — because once it’s in writing, it’s enforceable
Mediation isn’t about “losing” or “winning.”
It’s about reaching an outcome that feels fair — and keeps you out of court whenever possible.
Thinking About Mediation?
If you’re considering divorce — or already in the middle of it — mediation might be the smoother path forward. At our firm, we can help you figure out if it’s a good fit, prepare for the process, and protect your interests every step of the way.
You don’t have to fight it out. There may be a better way.
